#StayOnTheStairTop

I know, I know - If you are currently raising teenagers, if can feel a lot like a nightmare. I'm about to offer a different perspective that will help you through those hard times. Just bare with me!

Moms... Remember the moment you went into labor? Pushing out a baby you were CERTAIN was going to split your body in 2 on their way out!?

Those contractions that felt like actual lightning bolts searing through your whole body. The nurses repeatedly telling you "One more push and you'll be a Mama!" and it took all you had to simply believe them.

You thought that pain would never end, you were unconvinced you'd never walk normal again and GOOD GOD your vagina was certain to resemble ground beef for all of eternity right??

And then you saw that precious little scrunchy face of your newborn child...

and all was well.

The momentary pain and suffering was all worth it because the big picture was an adorable newborn baby!

Hold on to all of that, because I'm about to break down how to deal with teenagers in very much the same way...

Teenagers SUCK! All of them. You aren't suffering from hormonal attitude, mood swings, disrespect and all kinds of talking back - alone. Nope, while some parents may have it better or worse - teenagers straight up S-U-C-K. And If they don't suck as a teen, hold yer britches because they're about to Go For Gold in their 20's...

But, they're supposed to suck. Remember that tidbit, for later in this bloggity blog.

I've been a Mama for 25 years, as well as a single parent to my 2 daughters - we made it through all their teen years alive so that's my educational background. PhD in 2 Teens Successfully Reared :)

Also, I was a teen. So that's at least a Masters in Teen Asshole-ology right?

#Tip1 -- Forget Their Size...

At over 5 ft & with a C Cup bra - I know your teenager looks like an adult. Especially #BoyMoms who's sons already have a deeper voice and more muscles than most of your adult male friends, its really freaking easy to look at them as if an adult is saying and doing the wild shit they are. I'm telling you now, when they start acting up FORGET THEIR SIZE. Just imagine Little Angry Lord Farquaad from Shrek... Just an angry little midget full of fire! I had an amazing therapist back in the day tell me "When they're yelling, cursing, berating and throwing a fit - figure out what age they're ACTING and deal with them as if they're that age." and THAT was the best advise ever. If you're in a store and your teen pulls some Millennial Type BS with demands or entitlement fits, treat them exactly like you did when they were 4 and acted out. Walk the eff away. Don't let their size fool you into thinking that their adult sized frames mean they have adult functioning brains because they damn sure do NOT! The more you entertain, the more they'll give you a show. So when you hear "I hate you!" and all those other glorious Teenage Anthems - pretend your Kinder Tot is saying it and let it run off your back!

#Tip2 -- Don't Come Down The Staircase...

I have to paint you a picture on this tip. Pretend you're at the top of a staircase, just standing there with your Top Of The Staircase swagger... Now picture your teen standing at the bottom of that staircase, just looking up at you - giving you that Teenage Stink Eye. Your job as a parent, is to guide that teen to take steps UP the staircase, one step at a time. Your other job as a parent is to NOT take steps DOWN that staircase. What I mean is this: You are the PARENT. The top of the staircase represents ADULTHOOD. The bottom of the staircase represents CHILDHOOD. No matter how crazy they act or how combative they get - your purpose is to be a GUIDE. Your teen is NOT your bestie. This isn't your High School friend of 20 years, betraying you. This is your kid, in an adult body - acting like a child. Make sure to check yourself mentally so your reaction to them isn't from that place. Thats how shit gets ugly. When they get mad and do/say all the things they know will trigger you - Keep your feet firmly planted at the top of that staircase and DO NOT go down to their level. When you hear all those jabs that get under your skin the deepest (Remember your teen has been studying you their WHOLE life, so they know how to get to you) make a point of guiding your teen UP a step. They make a jab, you either ignore it or redirect them back to the whole point of the lesson. Whatever you do, DO NOT come down that staircase. They want attention, if they can't get your good attention they'll do whatever they can to get your bad attention - so don't give it to them!

#Tip3 -- Odd Years Are A B!

Ok so this theory isn't exactly scientific BUT I swear by it nonetheless...From 13-19 you will find yourself asking "Where the f**k did that sweet kid I raised go?!" and I've actually charted it. Its every other year! I mean, it's not likely many teens would survive going a solid 7 years of just straight up a-hole status. So they come back to us, in their angelic form every other year JUUUUST so we have enough patience and understanding banked up to handle the upcoming hellish year they're about to dole out! For my daughters, it was 13, 15, 17 and 19 that were most brutal. I was VERY blessed not to deal with any major catastrophes - but HOLY SHIT the attitude was enough to start a blog about back in 2006! Maybe for you, its even years. Either way, They pop back and forth between Angels & Demons every 10-12 months so don't think you'e gone mad - its them, not you!

#Tip4 -- Love Them Thru It...

Listen Linda... I've been there. Those moments where your teen is acting like a full blown a-hole and you literally want to punt them off a balcony. Oh yeah, I've been there. Those time where they say things that cut you so deep you feel a piece of your actual heart break - check! Felt it. Here's what I know now, with 26 and 22 year old grown ass daughters... LIFE IS THERE TO DELIVER THE HAMMER. I remember having these terrible power struggles with Alexia. She would use every put-down you can imagine to get me to back down and give her what she wanted. I'd go cry in my closet and be so torn apart by words said or her crappy teenager actions, UNTIL SHE HIT 20.... That's when I realized that every lesson, every lecture you could ever bring down, has already been brought'n :) All those lovely formative years teaching them right/wrong good/bad proper morals and how to make good decisions - those seeds have long since been planted and NOW in the midst of Teen-dom is where those seeds take root and sprout. Your guidance is imperative but don't go down the em-effing staircase I swear to God I'll make you read Tip2 100 times if I have to! Just give your advice, "This is what I would do...." or "You know the rule, I'm not budging sorry" or "You did the crime kiddo, you have to do the time".... And then DETACH YOURSELF from whatever is said and done after. I'm not talking about physical violence, let me just say that here and now - thats well out of the norm on this topic. I'm talking the usual BS: door slamming, trouble at school, mumbling under their breath, cursing, eye rolling and silent treatments etc... I know with my 2 teens, I wanted to be the freaking law & order and make their lives Hell, because they crossed me and my rules. And to a certain extent that fits the crime BUT I'm telling you now, they will hit their 20's and step out into this big ole scary ass world and get SHELL SHOCKED! The world will humble them SO FAST and knowing its coming for them at age 20+ totally helps put things in perspective when they are being jerks at 14. Sometimes it takes you leaving the room so you don't engage in the tit-for-tat. Do whatever you have to, so you don't stoop to their little tyrant level and say things you'll regret. Just love them thru the tantrums, because you KNOW in less than 5 years the world is going to swiftly deliver the real life version of every lesson you have tried to teach. That may mean they lose a job because they're late all the time, or fail a class because they're partying too much. Or worse. Once they're grown you REALLY are the soft place to fall, so just know that as you hang out in the trenches of teen warfare :)

xoxo CM