#SippinOnThatAnxi-Yah-Tea

It all started when I ran over a very large Native American man late one night on a dark lonely highway...

Nope, Not a song lyric or an obscure line from a classic poem.

I really hit a man, while driving in the middle of the freaking night.

If we are going to talk about Anxiety, I definitely have to give a backstory on what sparked it for me.

As with all my stories, this one is a doozie - have a seat, get comfy...

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Prior to 2015, I truly thought folks who struggled with mental illness were just people who "didn't have strong faith" or "had First World Problems" or "didn't know how to get out of their own head". As with most things in life, when you take a hard stance that lacks empathy or understanding for others - Ohhh, the Universe has a way of dropping those criticisms & judgements right back in your lap. Humbling, to say the least.

So, try to visualize me motoring along Interstate 10 on a Wednesday night, trying my best to get back home before Rowyn went to bed and WHA-BAM, something OUT OF NOWHERE hit my drivers side headlight, bumper, side view mirror, and passenger door... If you know anything about Arizona, you know its PITCH BLACK darkness once that Sun goes down - so whatever I hit/hit me was literally out of nowhere. I immediately pulled over & called 9-1-1. I tell the dispatcher I'm pretty sure a Javelina ran out from the median and hit my car. She advises me to get out of my car when its safe to survey the damage - when I do, I notice that my ENTIRE side-mirror is GONE! It becomes clear to me that NO DAMN JAVELINA is big enough to hit my freaking side mirror OFF, like FULLY O-F-F.... And the dispatcher says "Are you sure it wasn't a person?" and every bit of air IN MY LUNGES all leaves at once. I tell her "I didn't see a person, its totally dark out here!"

She tells me to sit tight, she's sending Highway Patrol out my way. So I'm there, in the dark on the side of a freeway, thankful as heck I listened to that voice approx 5 minutes prior to this collision with a 5 foot Javelina... More on that in a second.

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Then I see it, a whole hoard of Highway Patrol and a Helicopter. Yes, a HELI-FREAKING-COPTER. Oddly enough, they're all racing past me about 2 miles back and they are VERY focused on an area within the Highway median. I'm baffled as to why they'd care more about a damn Javelina over a curly-haired Mama with a busted headlight & missing side-mirror!?

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After 45 minutes, DPS officers finally come my way and explain what you already know. I did NOT hit an abnormally large Javelina. I HIT A MAN! A very large Native American man. I use that term because that's literally how the officer described him to me and it stuck like glue ever since. I've never been so glad that a man was large because his size was a HUGE reason he's still alive. Approx 6'6 and 300lbs, thats one of the big reasons he took a hit from an SUV going 83 miles-per-hour and just sort of bounced off BUT SURVIVED. He must have repeated that phrase "You hit a very large Native American man" 12 times, I just kept saying "Pardon me officer, what did you just say?" and he kept saying it until it stuck. The officer went on to explain that about 30 minutes before my 9-1-1 call, they had received calls claiming a man was walking up and down the freeway with his arms waving. They also located his car parked under a pass a few miles back, and it appeared he'd run out of gas. He had Warrants, a few Missing Person Reports from various States, so he was going to survive but he had a lot of legal stuff to work out. I just remember being so overwhelmed, and asking if I was being arrested!? The Officer explained that walking along the freeway was a crime, so the man was actually going to be cited for that - on top of everything... Poor dude. But I was good to go, he also told me that the MAJORITY of drivers actually don't even stop after they hit something(one) and THAT'S a felony, so he was glad I stopped. Shit, I was glad I stopped too!

So, here's where the gift that keeps on giving - Anxiety, comes into the picture. About 5 minutes before this man walked out into the freeway, I'd heard an internal voice that simply said "pay attention, eyes on the road, hands at 2 & 10" That quick, that simple. I thought nothing of it really, but I did what it said. I was next to a few big tour busses so I thought that's what the voice was referring to, to keep my eyes on them. But once I passed them up, I was going from the left lane to the center lane and WHA-BAM! If I had stayed in the left lane,I would have hit the man head on. We both would have been badly hurt. Grateful for the voice, I laid my head down that night, so grateful for that voice. Until I woke up 4 hours later, hearing that same voice say "You're going to die right now." and then, my breathing was halted while my heart rate was racing and I was up pacing, as my husband was super worried. I stayed in bed for 3 days after that car accident just struggling to wrap my brain around it all, while at the same time trying to decipher the difference the internal voice I was so grateful I followed & the internal voice that kept suggesting the world was about to end. They both sounded so similar.

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Depending on who you speak to, there are 6 or 7 forms of anxiety. Social anxiety, OCD, Phobia, Panic Disorders, Agoraphobia, PTSD and then you have GAD - General Anxiety Disorder... This is the equiv to falling down an abyss because we are all so different and wired so distinctly. For GAD you get anything from "You need daily meds" to "Go take a yoga class, learn to meditate and relax!" My anxiety centers around death, which is actually super common, almost everyone get a little wonky when death is the topic. And I have invested SO MUCH TIME into researching my issues and I've got an awesome team of professionals that really help with long-lasting coping mechanisms, so I feel empowered.

But I will tell you this: 2016 was the Year Of Humbling when it comes to my previous stance on mental disorders, and lack of compassion. My son suffered traumatic events that have forever changed the way he handles stress and it's certainly left it's mark on me, as his Momma. I stayed quiet and only my closest friends knew, for a long time - but how does that help anyone? Anxiety is a very lonesome disorder, you feel like the only one alive who struggles so it feels SO GOOD to hear others speak about it, open up and share their struggles. That's always been who I was at my core, a speaker and a sharer of all those stories that leave me feeling uncomfortably vulnerable, but at the same time wonderfully free. The past 2 years, life happened and I went into this proverbial huddle, almost like the way your body bares down as the tracks on a roller coaster click, click, click their way up to that big scary drop... Then you get to the bottom of the drop and realize your eyes were closed the whole time and you missed it all. The fear of the drop was so much greater than the actual drop, and letting that fear rule you means you missed out on the magic that happens within the drop. No stories to tell, no details to offer anyone. We are here for the stories, to tell and be told. So anything less... That's not living at all.

XO C.Mo